A Potential Competition Winner Writes to Alfred Hitchcock


Dear Mr Hitchcock,

My name is Jerry Traub and I believe I have successfully identified all of your motion picture cameo appearances. I have been unable to find the official entry instructions for the competition, so thought I’d contact you directly via the cinema studio. As well as the famed uncredited roles in many of your own movies, I also believe I have spotted you in quite a few other cinematic ventures that I have included below.

I’m not entirely sure what the prize is for identifying all of the cameos. I think I heard it was some kind of buffet with you? Or the rope from Rope? Full address and delivery details are attached (don’t leave the prize with Mrs Stentphapolis, things have a habit of getting charred with her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a nice lady, but she shouldn’t be left alone; I don’t know what that nephew of hers is thinking). If any picture opportunities or photo-calls are required to document my win, Thursdays are best for me. Here is the complete list of your appearances:

The Birds – Fat man with dogs Marnie – Fat man in hotel corridor Psycho – Fat murderer who stabs lady in shower Rear Window – Fat man at window Lifeboat – Fat man on lifeboat North by Northwest – Fat man in film A Night to Remember – Fat drowning man near porthole Jules et Jim – Fat man in patisserie Congo – Partially hidden fat man near tree in jungle Where is My Daughter? (Lifetime TV movie) – Third fat rapist The Price is Right (12th March 1987 edition) – Fat man in audience in shirt Waterworld – Fat bloated corpse Tron – Fat man in future on space vehicle The Goonies – Sloth

Seven – Sloth The Birth of a Nation – Fat racist on horse Project Grizzly – Fat man in bear suit Hagar the Horrible: The Movie (Denmark only) – Fat reveller at tavern To Catch a Thief – Frowning fat farmer at the costume party The Paradine Case – Shy fat gimp at the sex party Three Men and a Baby – Fat ghost in background Three Men and a Little Lady – Fat one that’s not Ted Danson Dial M for Murder – Fat cabaret singer at the Kitty Kat Klub Salò – Chunky man into shit Schindler’s List – Fat Nazi The Great Escape – Fat Nazi Home Alone – Fat Nazi The Making of Vertigo – Fat film director To Kill a Mockingbird – Fat hypocrite Birdy – Fat bald jerk The Last Temptation of Christ – Fat disciple Torn Curtain – Fat curtain salesman King Kong (Good) – Fat native King Kong (Shit) – Fat Kong fan The Aristocats – Fat aristocat Chaplin – Fat Chaplin The Alfred Hitchcock Story (Biography Channel TV movie) – Young Alfred Hitchcock Dangerous Liaisons – The Marquis du Fountainbleu

I’ll appreciate your good wishes and congratulations in advance. And I look forward to shaking your fat hand at the lavish awards ceremony.

Yours, Jerry Traub

P.S. I am allergic to shrimp, if that helps.


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