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EXTRA LETTER: Bjork Writes To Goldie's Parents

[Historic note: Bjork used to go out with Goldie. This letter was not included in the book due to general confusion.]

Goldie & Bjork

January 12th, 1996

Dear Mr and Mrs Goldie,

Thank you so much for your hospitality over the festive season and for inviting me into your home. I have never visited a town like Wolverhampton before. Goldie has told me a great deal about it during our time together, but still so much of what I saw, heard and smelled was a great surprise to me.

I enjoyed very much many of the English Christmas traditions that you shared. I shall now insist on watching ‘Noel’s Christmas Presents’ no matter where I am in the world. I shall treasure the mango scrub gift set and ‘Wonders of the Black Country’ calendar that you gave to me. Both will be very useful when I am away on tour.

I am sorry you encountered me giggling quite so often during my stay and hope you did not find this disconcerting. It is an Icelandic thing. We are a very merry people. Despite all evidence to the contrary. Let me apologise again for my attempts to imitate your accents when you very kindly took me to the Social Club. I think I may have had too many of those delicious ‘Banks’s Milds’ you provided.

That may have also been the cause of the unfortunate karaoke incident, which I further apologise for. Even though I was performing one of my own songs, I can understand that the sound and rhythmic textures of my music can be extreme and disturbing if you have not experienced them before. I certainly didn’t deserve to win the basket of meat that was offered as a first prize, and feel ashamed that I made such a fuss about it and stood on the table. I do hope that the many Icelandic curses I aimed at the committee members and the lady doing the raffle do not come to pass.

And further apologies for keeping you awake with the noise I was making. When musical inspiration strikes me, I just have to act. For some reason, I thought Mrs Goldie would be a natural at human beatbox, but it seems I was mistaken. I hope I wasn’t too dogmatic on my insistence that she attempt this. I can be quite aggressive when the creative juices are flowing. This is an Icelandic thing. I will, of course, replace the ottoman that was destroyed in the process.

Please pass on my warmest regards to Uncle Len and Auntie Val. Sorry I scared them so with my choice of attire on Boxing Day. I never knew someone could have such a violent phobia towards waterfowl. I think in my attempts to calm the situation and give Val a conciliatory hug I may have disturbed her further. I can completely understand why she threw the Shepherd’s Pie at me. Sorry if the meal was somewhat ruined.

As promised, the man will be around on Tuesday to repaint the room I stayed in. As you are aware, I can only sleep in a room the colour of a warm pomegranate. Thank you for your understanding in this. It’s an Icelandic thing.

Looking forward to seeing you again next year, or possibly at Easter (which we Icelanders call Buyjergerstertuffstor, I imagine).

Best, Bjork

p.s. I may have left a skirt in the shape of a gilded steamer in my room. If so, please forward to Goldie.

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